so, my friend has been trying to help me deal with the bureaucracy involved in claiming benefits. I suck at bureaucracy. UK benefits level of bureaucracy is very advanced adulting, thank you very much daily mail culture.
so, the powers that be sent a confusing waste of trees across 4 envelopes to my house. 2 of these were basically the same thing (please send us a doctor's note/if you don't send us a doctor's note you won't get paid) and one was basically a yes. the last one contained the abomination known as the ESA50.
the ESA50 is the dreaded prove-how-dysfunctional-you-really-are form. I went through writing names & addresses and ticking boxes. the long answers were harder. I resisted the temptation to write "I struggle with open ended questions due to disability, I want an easier form" under everything.
the first long question was that perennial favourite of NTs "so, how does your disability affect you?". interesting. how does being me affect me? I really have no idea. what does that question even mean? if being me didn't affect me, would I even be here to notice? hmmmm. of course, I know NTs raised within an NT centric culture don't see it that way, so I try to make some intelligent guesses about which bits of my experience they might pathologise in various ways. this works fine for Autism & dyspraxia, sort of. the NTs have left a clue! there are bullet points under the question, suggesting amongst other things that I write about any aids I use. I have a backup communication device permanently attached to the strap of my rucksack in case I lose the use of my vocal chords. it's more sensibly described as a "pen", and is mostly a preventative measure, but they did ask. I can't do the mental health stuff. next daft question...
...communication difficulties. yes, I have those. why are they asking this in the physical disabilities section? I make notes & move on...
...starting and finishing tasks. I didn't know where to start. the irony is strong with this one...
...coping with change. here we go with the stereotypes. I think I'm basically fine with change, but they include stuff like my train being delayed. that causes panic for reasons that have fuck all to do with an irrational, rigid sense that "it should be this way and anything else is wrong". I make some notes anyway...
...do I struggle meeting people? again, the examples given suggest I do, but in my mind? no, I love doing things with my fellow humans. it's just getting to the meeting place and finding the specific human I've arranged to meet, without having any ability to feel time passing. more notes, nearly done...
so, me, my notes and the form get on 2 buses to go see a friend who understands this shit. they understand why it's difficult, too. that's possibly more important than understanding the form. they also donate their handwriting, as mine is worthy of the NHS. they add a lot of things to the first question, possibly because that small amount of distance makes it easier to see how I affect me. I don't ask them about the deeper philosophical implications of the question. after 3 attempts to get a list of the effects of my mental health issues that all ended in me feeling shaky and wanting hugs (with knitting breaks) they gave up & wrote that I found the subject too distressing.
they felt it was probably sensible to talk about neurological communication issues in the physical disabilities section, as there wasn't a box for it in the neurological section. so we did that.
over the page, why did I tick to say my hazard awareness was fine? I thought it was. isn't it fine? the examples sound like cooking. I cook. I've only melted 1 chopping board...what do you mean, NTs don't set fire to the oven gloves? but it won't happen again, we have an electric hob, you can't set fire to the oven gloves with an electric hob (can you?). yes, OK, there was that other fire, but it was fully contained within the saucepan. I wasn't really going to burn down my halls. you're sure NTs don't do these things? not even when they're young & still learning?
(I still maintain my cooking is fine. I've never given anyone food poisoning, or injured myself or anyone else enough to require medical assistance, and I am able to put the oven gloves out if I need to...)
and that was all we managed to get done. to be continued...
